Engineer's Description of a Woman

Physical properties:
Undergoes spontaneous dehydrolysis (weeps) at absolutely nothing and freezes at a moments notice. Totally unpredicatble. Melts when properly treated, very bitter if not well used. Found in many states ranging from virgin metal to common ore. Non-magnetic, but attracted to coins and sports cars. In its natural state the specimen varies considerably, but is often changed artificially so well that the change is indiscernable except to the experienced eye.

Chemical properties:
Has great affinity for Au, Ag, and C (especially in the crystalline form). May give violent reaction if left alone. Will absorb great amounts of food matter. Highly desired reaction is initiated with various reagents such as C(2)-H(5)-OH and sexy aftershave. An essential catalyst is often required (must say that you love her at least 5 times daily). Reaction accelerates out of control when in dark and all reaction conditions are suitable. Extermely difficult to react if in the highly stable pure form. Yields to pressure applied to correct points. The reaction is highly exothermic.

Storage:
The best results are obtained between the ages of 18 and 25 years.

Uses:
Highly ornamental. Used as a tonic for low spirits. Used on cold nights as a heating agent (if properly prepared).

Tests:
Specimen turns rosey tint if discovered in raw natural state. Turns green if placed beside a better specimen.

Caution:
Most powerful reducing agent known to man (income and ego). Highly explosive in inexperienced hands. Specimen must be used with great care if experiments are to succeed. It is illegal to posess more than one permanent specimen, although a certain amount of exchange is permitted.